Dear _____, Go screw yourself.

Attention everyone:

Vibrators.com has announced that it will be giving away 200 vibrators per day to federal employees who are “used to stimulus packages.” Here is a statement from their website:

“Are you a federal employee that has been deemed non-essential? Do you have a little too much time on your hands and nothing to do? Is the recent government shutdown to blame? Here at Vibrators.com we are committed to allowing our customers to find satisfaction. As vibrator enthusiasts, we want everyone to experience the pleasure that a nice vibrator can bring to partners and individuals. Besides, we know you have some free time, why not try something new? Vibrators.com has been giving away this free vibrator for years as a bonus gift with customers’ orders and it receives great reviews. It is fairly powerful, quiet, and uses a single AA battery (not included). It is 5 inches long and 1 inch in diameter, a smaller vibe. It is emblazoned with the Vibrators.com logo on one side, so that you will forever remember our generosity.”

Surreal.

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